Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Frustration

Korean Airlines made an error regarding our flights, and tensions are running high in the household while we wait for word from our flights specialist. I have been unfairly blamed for being partially responsible, which makes me angry because I haven't had any of the ulterior motives that my mother accuses me of in handling the flight arrangements. I simply adopted the job because I am the most fluent English speaker, and would have been glad to leave it to her or even that father figure.

To be honest, I don't want to come back to Australia one bit. I feel stifled and inauthentic living with my parents, and Sydney doesn't do it for me. I am sick of being familiar with the place. It just occurred to me that I should invest in a lock on the door of my room - it would solve some of the 'invasion of privacy' issues I have. I am usually too busy saving my money for traveling purposes. I'd like to fly from Korea to Thailand after my European journey - from there I can travel around South-East Asia, without the interruption of three months.

I'm feeling less angry now, but the misunderstanding between my parents and I just underscores the horror that lurks beneath our deceptively ready appearances. Derision, emotional abuse. The vocabulary I need to articulate this has been buried somewhere along my journey of losing my cool and buying into the vaguest notion of mainstream survival tactics. I used to be a lot more in touch with myself, the fine nuances of my movements. I felt intimidated by no one. I learnt early on that there was no one I utterly admired. No one could fill a position of guide in a way that I was willing to respect. My childhood dreams need to go - the dreams of fitting in happily in my life, being a local or even global celebrity. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it," relayed Joss Whedon. Buffy quit the world, but the world wouldn't quit her. Even as I wish to fail utterly, be a complete non-entity (in a non-suicidal kind of way), I am resurrected. What does being at peace entail?

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