Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Designing what you dream

Amy Lee of Evanescence once sang: But who can design what they dream? / And dream I do...

It's a beautiful turn of phrase, however I personally find that I have a lot of control over my thoughts and feelings. I am in charge of what happens in my mind, to a large extent, even though I also can't help but be influenced by the home I live in, the neighbourhood within which I reside, the city I call home, the nation or the continent. That said, how I interpret these places is unique to me. I could be in the most affluent of places and feel miserable, or the most humble of abodes and feel like a queen.

I guess I'm starting to wonder how to change my internal processes for the better. For a long time I've been dwelling in dark, repetitive thought patterns, which no longer serve me. I doubt I can change this overnight (and it would probably backfire on me to try), but I believe that with a consistent effort I can bring more light into my day, and make the night less threatening.

So, when I'm looking back on my life, I can choose to emphasise times when I felt good about myself in relation to others. For example, that time during my CELTA course when I was instructed to answer one of the questions on the whiteboard and made a modification to the equation taught which was highly regarded by some of the students. The teacher, being more of a traditionalist, changed the equation back to its original form, but one of my fellow students confided that she liked my version better. Even without this comment, I could tell that the class valued my contribution to the educational environment.

Back to the present, I can choose to remember the loving words of my girlfriend. I can choose to celebrate that I've made new friends recently, and it was all because I opened my mind to polyamory.

I can look at the recent past and choose to celebrate my previous relationship, to know it made me who I am today.

I can be thankful for the alternate bouts of self-doubt and self-assurance that have led me to cultivate the critical cultures I do, including the writing of this post.

I can be thankful for all the people I have touched with my writing, even when I was feeling at my most alone. These past three years in particular, I have been struggling with my blogging practice, but I haven't given up. I have kept going. That in itself gives me hope.

Speaking of the last three years, I have lost some of the weight I gained back. About 9 kgs. Losing weight is hard to do, so I'm happy with myself for that.

There's more; the more I think about it, the more good things come up. It's like a snowball effect. And now I'd like to take a walk outside... before it starts raining. I'll take these pleasant thoughts with me.




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