Thursday, June 30, 2016

Emerging from immersion

It's been several years since I stopped believing in astrology and it's time to look back at how it has changed me. I used to be quite devoted to natal charts. As I think I've mentioned before, I chose to immerse myself in the world of astrology because it helped me make sense of an infinitely complex world. It helped me put people in categories, and it helped me think of personality in a way that was more manageable than otherwise. But since I began listening to atheist voices, I was introduced to critiques of astrology that I just couldn't argue against. I began to see that my belief was unfounded, and embraced the reasoning that exposed it as faulty.
In many ways, it's been a relief to disentangle myself from the astrological system. Far from always being deep and perceptive, I knew that I could be shallow and miss important details (like astrology being a fraud itself). Far from always being passionate about subjects, I could be non-commitical, diplomatic and detached. These qualities, being drummed into my head as the unshakeable foundations of Scorpio-ness. It was an immense relief to extract myself from the mindset that I was always going to be treated with suspicion. I've stopped being searched at airport security. I feel lighter, more carefree. Not always being the deepest person around, although in some senses I still aim for that, because it's rewarding.
Perhaps more notably, I no longer make it my business to categorise people. Everyone is a potential friend! It has opened up a world of possibilities, and I feel like the world is a kinder place because of this. I would shut myself off from people whom I judged as not having certain qualities. I no longer place people in boxes they have to fight against to win my approval. I have become less judgemental, and I love it.
Invariably, there is a sense of loss. I spent so much time, money and energy on astrology in the past. I passed up perfectly nice people in favour of my blind beliefs about their unsuitability for me. I regret that now. However, I try to focus on the present, and I know that I'm making the most of my mental faculties now - reaching out to people regardless of their star sign, neglecting to even ask what it is. Every so often I'll meet someone who still believes in astrology, and I'll remember how stubbornly I held to it. I am so thankful to be out of that game. 

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Back in Aus (snippet)

I've decided to look for volunteer positions within my local community, find a language tutor, and possibly start personal training again. I want to become more independent, and more in touch with my feelings. It helps when I come across Tweets from Conscious 2, or follow a blog like Roses. Possibly something in my future is de-empasising human rights activism. It has been wearing me out for a long time now, and it's finally time to focus on things that will make me happy. In a way, I've been focusing on these battles for a long time, and... if only I could bring myself to pass the baton on to someone else. There are more young people fighting for justice now. Maybe I can relax a bit. (It's for mental health reasons.) I'm trying to give myself permission, here...

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Play

My mission these days is to figure out how to play safely within a state (Australia) which could be actively spying on me at any time. I've definitely been censoring myself. I no longer pour my heart out in emails and online messages like I used to. I miss that sense of having gotten things off my chance... But I can no longer trust the state not to use that information against me.
I feel angry about the collective silence that has no doubt been cultivated by the cautious people of the Five Eyes states and beyond. As Murong Xuecun said of Chinese state censorship, it leads to a weakening of creativity. And that is how I feel - we live in traumatic times where I cannot be the best person I can possibly be. I cannot reach the potential I have taught myself to aim for.
I'm sick of being relentlessly upbeat. That system cannot endure. I need the energy previously spent on pretending everything's alright for other things. Like actively making the world a better place.
I lay in bed one night in my swanky hotel, wondering how to get out out of dependence on welfare. Break out of the cycle of poverty and emotional dependence on my parents that holds me back. I couldn't see a way forward. I began thinking in circles. Complete with curlicues around the imaginary lines.
I can't find a solution right now, but there is still hope. I might be able to explain the direness of my circumstances to my psychiatrist, and he might be able to write a letter to the housing commission people which would make me eligible for housing sooner rather than later.
That would solve my noise problem and the parental intrusion. I'm sick of having my boundaries violated. It makes me feel unsafe.
So yeah, I'm keeping it real- if you can't handle me in the darker spectrum of my rainbow, too bad. I won't pretend everything is fine. Sometimes you need to acknowledge the problem, in order to work through it. This is one of those times.