Sunday, June 12, 2016

Play

My mission these days is to figure out how to play safely within a state (Australia) which could be actively spying on me at any time. I've definitely been censoring myself. I no longer pour my heart out in emails and online messages like I used to. I miss that sense of having gotten things off my chance... But I can no longer trust the state not to use that information against me.
I feel angry about the collective silence that has no doubt been cultivated by the cautious people of the Five Eyes states and beyond. As Murong Xuecun said of Chinese state censorship, it leads to a weakening of creativity. And that is how I feel - we live in traumatic times where I cannot be the best person I can possibly be. I cannot reach the potential I have taught myself to aim for.
I'm sick of being relentlessly upbeat. That system cannot endure. I need the energy previously spent on pretending everything's alright for other things. Like actively making the world a better place.
I lay in bed one night in my swanky hotel, wondering how to get out out of dependence on welfare. Break out of the cycle of poverty and emotional dependence on my parents that holds me back. I couldn't see a way forward. I began thinking in circles. Complete with curlicues around the imaginary lines.
I can't find a solution right now, but there is still hope. I might be able to explain the direness of my circumstances to my psychiatrist, and he might be able to write a letter to the housing commission people which would make me eligible for housing sooner rather than later.
That would solve my noise problem and the parental intrusion. I'm sick of having my boundaries violated. It makes me feel unsafe.
So yeah, I'm keeping it real- if you can't handle me in the darker spectrum of my rainbow, too bad. I won't pretend everything is fine. Sometimes you need to acknowledge the problem, in order to work through it. This is one of those times.


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