Saturday 13 August 2016

Becoming

Every day I'm becoming a little more me. A little more free.
Every day it's like I carve my initials into the air with incisive eye movements.
Every day I'm longing to happen upon a safe state of mind.
Every day there's relief when I close the door, turn on the heat.
Every day I'm looking away from my imperfections less.
Every day I'm valuing myself more.
Except when it's once step forward, two steps back.
There are plenty of those movements in store.

 *

Learn to resist the straitjacket of silence
Let the darkness ooze out in the direction it might
And if a whisper serves me better, let it
Develop. More resonating than a stylised shout

*

The more I know you, the more I care
I fear that I don't open up enough
But I know nobody's perfect and it's still OK
We remain both loving, and loved

*

Temptations everywhere I turn, of my own making
All I really need are strong jolts of self-affirmation
Did I leave you hanging, mid-revelation?
An epiphany that hasn't reached fruition
Muddled, searching, casually realigning
Fragmented forays into deepening my understanding
The unreliable narrator intends to keep on going
Enjoying and lamenting the ways in which she's growing

Sunday 7 August 2016

Karaoke selection [short poem]

All the songs I used to sing
Bookmarked by my indignation and bitterness
It's time to grow attachment to new things
Sweep you up in my newfound love
But first I have to liberate my intuition
Let it reach new places
Negotiate new spaces
Meditate on tones
Relinquish things I loved the most

Friday 5 August 2016

#PrataOmDet / #TalkAboutIt

The first few people I told about being raped either didn't take me seriously (Shanghainese police) or didn't believe me (members of the Australian Consulate/Embassy in Shanghai). What I mean when I say the police didn't take me seriously is this: They nodded when I explained what happened and took the offender in for questioning immediately, but neglected to interview me in any depth and dismissed both of us after (allegedly) beating the offender up. (I only have the offender's word that the beating happened, though it does seem, in my opinion, likely to have happened; the offender sought medical help and seemed unsettled afterwards.)
Perhaps more damaging to me was the female worker at the embassy/consulate who immediately questioned my account of what happened. I believe she said something like: 'If you were raped, why did you keep sharing the same hotel room with him?' She non-verbally implied that I was a threat to the offender's reputation. Always placing the man's authority higher than the woman's. Even though he wasn't in the room and she had never talked to him, the offender had a voice more powerful than mine. This was 2006, before the current feminist revival.
All this denial of justice and my authentic voice led me to believe that, in China, 'rape' doesn't exist. I believed that the Communist party had brainwashed the populace into denying the existence of anything that could be described as rape. I told this to my Dad when I was in the hospital. He didn't reply. He must have thought that nothing I said during that time made sense. He had no idea what I was going through, although he loved me and wanted me to feel better.

*

25% of women describe being forced to have sexual intercourse against their will. In other words, 25% of women admit to being raped (though not exactly in those words). Remember that.

*

I hate to admit it, but I am still somewhat afraid of disclosing what happened to me. I'm aware that victim blaming is rampant, and many out there consider women who are raped to be 'damaged goods'. I'm happy that I stay far away from the misogyny I identify as such. I don't emote with men (or women) who slut-shame, or espouse puritanical views. I surround myself with proud, capable women who consciously identify as feminists. I get my emotional cues from them.

*

Be part of the solution: Talk about it. Talk about when someone crossed your boundaries. Talk about when you crossed someone else's boundaries and feel guilty. The more we talk about these things, the more we can put them into context, mobilise to act based on new knowledge, and change the system. 

Monday 1 August 2016

Work WITH it, not against it

My sense of myself and the world (where is the boundary? Is there a boundary?) as something that is beautiful is struggling to come through.

All around me, whether IRL or in the media, are people who struggle to find beauty within themselves and each other. I used to be much better at the process of finding beauty, but I too have joined the masses over the years. I have learnt from other people's mistakes; I have listened to too many people bash self-help practices; too many people that claim that my ideals are not worth aiming for.

Thankfully, I know how to claw myself out of this pit.

This is why I love following people such as Timber Hawkeye (an American Buddhist author), who radiates love and acceptance of self through his Facebook posts (and book). I also love following people who have an intense relationship with language and use it in such a way as to make worlds come alive through it - such as Laurie Penny and Sarah Menkedick.

I have everything I could ever possibly need to create a profound sense of beauty within myself.

Here are two other beautiful people I follow on Twitter I invite you to take a look at: J. D. Landis & ROSES. Their brand of beauty is all the more meaningful because they engage with the dark side of humanity. I still like the old Keats 'truth is beauty and beauty truth' philosophy.