Starting a post without a title is sometimes necessary for a stream of consciousness to form. I'm listening to Swedish radio and thankful for the interconnectedness of the world, whereby I can choose which cultural frequency to be on. Sure, I can't understand the words, but I can be inspired by confident female laughter, a strong sense of assertion, and a heightened sense of female authority emanating from my laptop.
I'm thinking about why I find it so hard to articulate my sexual needs. This is a hypothetical personal query, since I am not dating or sleeping with anyone. I can pinpoint specific absences of being taught agency in regards to sex throughout my life, starting from the family perspective and continuing on through sex education, conversations with peers, and messages from the media... I'd like to build on whatever sense of agency I do have, which may not feel like much sometimes (especially if I'm comparing myself to my progressive social circles). I'm afraid of getting punished, I guess. But by whom? Anyone I invite into intimacy would be someone I trust not to use my sexuality against me.
I was listening to Britney Spears' 'Hold It Against Me', and while Britney is pretty much the postfeminist posterchild, there's a plea there for something that's often on the gender equality agenda. So often, women are shamed for communicating sexual interest, let alone a 'plan of action'. I, for one, long to take a page out of Lady Gaga's book and 'not give a fuck' about misogyny, but I'm afraid of being raped again, or beaten, or even killed. Perhaps I fear the force inside me, instinctively acting in more cowardly ways so I can evade the worst of the backlash. I feel like there are two "me's"; one is learning all the ways she can possibly be empowered in private, and another is systematically watering it all down. When I started spending most of the night awake, I felt more connected to my furtive sense of emotional growth, and it's for this reason I loved it. But I need to be part of the world. It has things to offer me that I can't find by myself. Even if sometimes all I want is to be left alone.
When you're (for a lack of a better word) not neurotypical like me, writing is intense. I find comfort in the turbulence of my own mind, owning it and packaging it up for the world (or thirty persons) to read. Turbulent mental patterns are part and parcel of being a 'woke' human in 2017... but so are peace and delight (though the latter may not be as frequently present). I've articulated here many thoughts I couldn't bring to you before - there's always a fear about writing about sex and whatever other controversial subjects I naturally gravitate towards. I hope you'll contribute to the narratives of the people in your life by creating something similarly honest, brave, wild and free. I love you.
I'm thinking about why I find it so hard to articulate my sexual needs. This is a hypothetical personal query, since I am not dating or sleeping with anyone. I can pinpoint specific absences of being taught agency in regards to sex throughout my life, starting from the family perspective and continuing on through sex education, conversations with peers, and messages from the media... I'd like to build on whatever sense of agency I do have, which may not feel like much sometimes (especially if I'm comparing myself to my progressive social circles). I'm afraid of getting punished, I guess. But by whom? Anyone I invite into intimacy would be someone I trust not to use my sexuality against me.
I was listening to Britney Spears' 'Hold It Against Me', and while Britney is pretty much the postfeminist posterchild, there's a plea there for something that's often on the gender equality agenda. So often, women are shamed for communicating sexual interest, let alone a 'plan of action'. I, for one, long to take a page out of Lady Gaga's book and 'not give a fuck' about misogyny, but I'm afraid of being raped again, or beaten, or even killed. Perhaps I fear the force inside me, instinctively acting in more cowardly ways so I can evade the worst of the backlash. I feel like there are two "me's"; one is learning all the ways she can possibly be empowered in private, and another is systematically watering it all down. When I started spending most of the night awake, I felt more connected to my furtive sense of emotional growth, and it's for this reason I loved it. But I need to be part of the world. It has things to offer me that I can't find by myself. Even if sometimes all I want is to be left alone.
When you're (for a lack of a better word) not neurotypical like me, writing is intense. I find comfort in the turbulence of my own mind, owning it and packaging it up for the world (or thirty persons) to read. Turbulent mental patterns are part and parcel of being a 'woke' human in 2017... but so are peace and delight (though the latter may not be as frequently present). I've articulated here many thoughts I couldn't bring to you before - there's always a fear about writing about sex and whatever other controversial subjects I naturally gravitate towards. I hope you'll contribute to the narratives of the people in your life by creating something similarly honest, brave, wild and free. I love you.
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