All the people I could be

A couple of years ago my dad gave me a lecture on how I should learn to be a better liar from the perspective of self-preservation. I found this intervention unnecessary and offensive. In addition to being a bad liar I have a pretty good bullshit detector, and it's precisely because I'm looking for genuine responses that I can sense the gaps and silences in someone intending to deceive. In other words, I've made peace with wearing my heart on my sleeve. 

But I never could have arrived at such an understanding of myself if I still believed in astrology. Why? My personality archetype was supposed to be able to keep their emotions well-hidden. It seemed a tendency towards secrecy was written in my stars. I would have to navigate a world in which I was one of the most closed off people, which would inspire more open types to be suspicious of me. I would be misunderstood for wanting to be beneath the radar. 

It was with huge relief (that I was at first afraid to examine too closely) that I let the fixed personality system dissolve from my consciousness. I became more of this (conspicuously open and vulnerable), and less of that (certain about who I was, or who other people were). I now believe that personality changes over time - introverts can become extraverts or vice versa, people can go from being extremely open to experience to being more on the cautious side of the spectrum, and so on. The world is as complex as I dare imagine. 

I wouldn't change my past addiction to categorising people into those twelve boxes, because it offered me some beautiful tools. In my first semester of university, I painted my room according to how different elements interacted with each other in my chart, and for a long time afterward my personal space was like a music video backdrop. I wouldn't want to take the fun of that back.

But is it ever so sweet to realise that I can be wildly creative outside the system! And yes, I can hold a space of compassion and non-judgement for the young person who was looking for guidance, certainty and belonging through the best tools they could find at the time. It becomes easier to do this as I go. 

When I think about the sort of person who's compatible with me now, I think: Are they highly intelligent and deeply kind? Are they sympathetic to people who struggle with mental health problems? Do they understand that gender is in the mind, not the body? Are they willing to re-evaluate long-held beliefs? I feel empowered to appreciate people of all kinds of personality configurations now!