Nebulous Theories of Relationships

My most significant romantic relationship arose around the beginning of 2016, and its end coincided with New Year’s Eve. It was only in retrospect that I figured out one of the main sources of misery therein: I was unable to assert my needs due to conflict avoidance.

In a perfect world, I would work on increasing my feelings of worthiness, gradually, over time, with a trustworthy psychologist. But that takes time and money, the latter being a resource I do not have in abundance.

So then, I ask myself: Is a romantic relationship really worth it? At least when I’m alone, the only obstacle to following my heart’s desire is how deeply I’m in touch with my feelings. I like my freedom and independence. What if I just function better solo?

I wouldn’t be the first person to prefer their own company, as opposed to feeling chronically unacknowledged in a partnership. (Here’s the thing about being limited in asserting your needs: your partner can’t meet those needs if they don’t know what they are.) No longer regularly on the dating apps, I am still working on feeling deeply comfortable with my solo status. 

There are a lot of sexist and misogynistic messages out there, aimed at keeping women constantly craving someone else’s approval. But what if I celebrate being solo? What if that’s the best state to be in, here and now? What if I feel good enough on my own?

With Age Comes Sensibility (Snippet)

I don't know who kidnapped Epiphanie and replaced her with a sensible adult, but apparently I have decided that instead of further borrowing from my Emergency Fund to go on a trip around Germany, I needed to top up my existing amount and get it back into robust health. I am missing the sense of looking forward to a big solo trip, but I am also feeling significantly more secure financially. 

My hope is to do the big German trip next year. I am still going to Portugal with the family this summer, so that will be 10-11 days of travel I can look forward to. If I spend some time in Sofia, there might be some day trips to surrounding cities, though at this stage I'm keen on staying in the one place in Germany for most of my time overseas. 

It’s time to look up [Poem]

For just a fraction of a minute

I see you walking by -

Never the perfect stranger:

Always something unexpected…

Downwards you direct your eye.

If you won’t make eye contact with me

I can’t co-conspire with you

A sense of community never rises up

And I can’t get enough

Of the empowerment I want to be my truth

Knowledge can be gathered

When you choose to look ahead

Observation, musing, wondering -

The world can offer inspiration! -

Yet you choose obedience instead

40 and Childfree: Stressed out by children

At the supermarket today, there was a family of four in front of me at the self-serving cashier, the youngest members of which looked about 4 and 6 years old respectively. They kept pawing at the items in the baskets or taking them out and handing them to their mum before she was ready to key them in. “There are other people waiting!” she had a resigned tone, trying to keep them under control. “Don’t drop that avocado!” emerged as the youngest gathered up two large items in her small hands and pushed them in her general direction. “I am not taking you grocery shopping again - you have been an absolute nightmare!”

I felt unhappy and stressed out just watching this unit. The adult partner of the mum, who fit the look of a typical cis man, watched on idly as the mum tried to juggle multiple tasks. He could have stepped in or guided the little horrors away from the machine, but he did not. 

So do I feel validated in my choice to be childfree? Absolutely! I find life stressful and overwhelming even without kids- I can’t even imagine what kind of toll it would take on my mental health to add them to the mix. 

I can handle the disapproval of conservatives, the general sense that I am out of sync with society, and prying questions, because - hey - at least they’re not prying *hands*. It would indeed be an absolute nightmare to have a kid wreaking havoc on my surroundings.

Some childfree people are eager to share how much they love kids. “I love being the ‘cool aunt’!” they insist, which makes it harder for those of us who associate kids with unpleasantness to be upfront about our feelings. But I’m here to tell you that kids irritate the heck out of me. 

If I am to deal with people, give me an adult over a kid anyday. Adults know how to behave themselves in public. They do not squeal at random, run around like so much of a moving hazard, make unreasonable demands and generally destroy the peace and quiet. 

There may be some who think badly of me for my irritation, but what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t be honest on it?

I’m so happy I never had kids, and I intend to keep it that way. That is my version of ‘living the dream’.

 

What does it mean to respect women?

If you are in favour of giving women and non-binary people a hand, so they can be as equal to men as possible, you may think you have a pretty good understanding of how to treat us well. But let's not forget that, under a patriarchy so baked into the system, sometimes going part of the way is regarded as enough. 

It has often been remarked upon that some men regard women as chattel. Today I came across a self-identified feminist referring to a specific woman as a 'cow'. Instead of showing compassion for the woman's conservative views, which, while hurtful, are hurting that woman more than anyone else, the writer chose to insult and dehumanise her. 

There are complex reasons why women try to bring other women 'back down to size', including having it done to them first, with no one having come to their aid to illuminate the power of treating everyone as a fully human being. I know that I have felt alone with my struggles, from time to time, and seeing an offensive woman as part of the sisterhood has been too challenging at times. 

But I do think there is value in sticking with the notion that we are all fully human - even if (especially if?) we are sometimes cruel or inconsiderate towards each other. Recognising the full humanity in me makes me wonder about the full humanity of you... and give it space to gather vividness. 

So instead of calling a woman - any woman - a cow, let's call her a wounded person. A sadistic person, perhaps. Misled by some of the miserable views out there. But unmistakably human. Let's shine self-compassion on the darker sides of humanity. 

Compromises for the Sake of Travel

Every fortnight I receive my government pension, and the first thing I do is squirrel away what I can in a Savings account (with a different bank, so there’s less temptation to spend).

If you saw me on the street, you wouldn’t remark on my clothing. I look very average - clean and well put together, but with fabrics mostly from Kmart and Best ‘n’ Less. I tend to wear the same types of leggings every day, which set me back all of $8 each. My scrunchies are from Daiso, the budget Japanese department store, where everything is $3.30.

I also rely on free sources of music, such as the app RadioGarden. It’s not common for me to buy CDs. Or DVDs. On the odd occasion I want to watch Netflix, I log in to Dad’s account. 

Some people invest in language courses or weekly martial arts classes. I regard them with envy. Others pour their money into pets, but when you’re away from home for over 4 weeks each year, having an animal dependent on you doesn’t seem like a bright idea… even though I remember how rewarding having a cat was, back in my childhood. 

Others still dine in upscale restaurants, enjoying culinary innovation which I mostly only dream of. Or they might pay the fee of belonging to an exclusive club or membership. 

Most of my money goes on travel, which means I choose to miss out on all of the things listed above.

For now, I still regard it as worth it. Whether this will remain the case as I get older, I don’t know. Maybe the inconvenience and hardship of travel will eventually become reason enough to divest from it. I have given much thought on saving for a property - maybe this will become more prominent.

But highest on my priority list is finding out what Rothenburg ob der Tauber is like, on the ground. I’m too curious about the delights of Dresden to let it go undiscovered much longer. I long to find out just what makes Porto such a lucrative spot for travellers following the trends. (Trends can deliver, as was the case with Bologna.)

So I intend to keep compromising, and keep travelling. My spending is in line with my values, which include: education, new experiences, self-development and enriching my feminism.

Maybe we can meet on the road one day, you can divulge your thoughts with me over a stimulating beverage, and I can wait patiently as you delve into the finer points of your mental journeys…places you might not often get to share. We can be attentive to the nuances of the conversation, supporting each other in our processes. Travel brings possibilities - for connections like these, and many more.

'To share or not to share(, that is the question)'

Yesterday I attended an interview with Elizabeth Day at the Sydney Opera House, which gave me lots of food for thought on the subject of sharing. As a blogger, I've shared many private worlds with my audience. In most instances, I don't know how they will be received - each person reading my posts will have a different interpretation of them, due to their personal history, what is happening in their life that particular day, their social and economic status, and any number of other factors I could care to articulate. I share anyway. 

My writing is a balance between externalising parts of my interiority and landing safely in the public sphere. Some of my innermost thoughts, which might be deeply interesting for readers, will forever be hidden from view. I notice that I have the tendency to represent my mood as more buoyant than I regularly experience it as being. It's a defence system. 

I thank you for reading my blog, and encourage you to share your thoughts with me... this way, I will be more aware of what my readers are engaging with, be able to create more of the material that appeals to you, and excise the rest. I believe I've made it easier to comment than ever before, so feel free to say Hello - I'm always open to kind thoughts by deep thinkers.