It's been a while...

Today I felt like picking up my virtual pencil and making a few proverbial strokes on this green canvas of mine. 

Something that I'm proud of lately is changing my mental health worker. I had been working with Mrs. X for some months, but it was uncomfortable, and I would feel low after our phone calls. Eventually I made up my mind to call up her supervisor and ask for a change. It's been wonderful being assigned an actual feminist, instead of someone who is ignorant and prejudiced about this important aspect of my life. Welcome, Mrs. Y. 

More recently, I discovered yet another quality life coach with a podcast - Victoria Albina, with Feminist Wellness. I have added her to my playlist, along with Xena Jones (Confidence Made Easy) and Kara Loewentheil (Unf*ck Your Brain). Originally from Argentina and living in the US, Victoria kind of glows. Her radiant voice informs her practical and nuanced feminist agenda. Her most recent episode explores ways we can learn to appreciate other people's love languages (e.g. touch, quality time, acts of service) even if we are disinclined to do so initially. It's interesting to think about how we can open up to a new mode of receiving affection, even if we weren't primed for it through our past experiences.

I spend a lot of time thinking about different languages, while languishing on systemic learning of Spanish or any other language. Mrs. Y and I set a goal: Pass the A1 Spanish test, and I am freaking out about practically applying it to my life. It's still not too late, but I fear I may have to delay by a week or so, because I also decided at this time to phase snacks out of my diet, and after years of relying on sweet treats for psychological relief, it's doing me in. 

Changing your eating habits requires a lot of energy. A doctor once told me that the first two weeks were the hardest. At the same time, I've already commenced searching for a special language teacher on ItalkI. Nothing concrete as yet, but at the same time I'm trying to keep Spanish in my life by liking facebook pages in the language, and occasionally reading El Pais (a popular newspaper). 

Does anyone know how Pedro Sanchez is doing in the polls? I've been trying to gauge the mood of the Spaniards, but my searches haven't yielded the results that must surely be out there. Maybe those results exist in Spanish only... es el momento de ser creativo. 

Self-love

Self-love is caring more what I think of me

Than caring about what others think of me

Self-love is interiority

Intuitively seeking out my opinion first

Taking responsibility for my worldviews

Checking in with my emotions many times a day

Trusting I continually find my way

Lessons learned from World Pride in Copenhagen

I just watched a very informative panel on asexuality, and I have an overdue apology to make to any asexual readers who have been around for a while... many years ago I wrote a post critical of the validity of asexuality. I'm sorry that I was ignorant and didn't develop empathy for what I now understand is a very valid community, which faces discrimination and stigma, just like bisexual or pansexual people do. 

The best I can do from hereon out is to listen and engage with aces who are brave enough to tell me how they identify. And amplify activist voices, as well. 

The Traveller's Imagination

I've never been to the Great Wall of China - perhaps someday I will - but in 2003 I spent a month in a snowy Shanghai where I was awestruck by the architectural diversity on display. The high rises here didn't behave like their counterparts in much of the rest of the world - they had grown new forms, developed new shapes. There were deviant angles and curves where I had expected rectangular prisms to be. Okay, so there were many typical skyscrapers too, but to my delight the irregular ones seemed to be in abundance. And at night, successions of bright colours sauntered on and off their glass canvases, alerting me to the dynamism and creativity that informed this (post)modern cityscape. 

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I always know I'm in Hong Kong because people will keep bumping into me. I think it was Pico Iyer who compared Bangkok's de-centred neighbourhoods to that of Los Angeles, and Hong Kong's verticality to that of New York City. Now I've been to LA a couple of times, and its geography is brought to life in many a Hollywood film, so I can appreciate Pico's comparison... but I'm yet to make time for New York in my hypothetical post-pandemic travels, in part due to the lack of human scale I perceived in the HK environment. NYC is also famous for its own American brand of rudeness, especially to visitors, not unlike the abrupt social stylings of some Hong Kongers. I live in hope that I will be shown better sides of both cities. I'm aware I'll need to actually visit New York City first to challenge my preconceptions!

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Speaking of Hollywood... When watching 'The Cider House Rules' I couldn't help but notice how drawn I was to New England's autumnal landscapes. I daydream of walking around delicate trees slowly shedding their leaves in subtle variations on red, orange and yellow. I wonder what the whole scene would smell like. Would it remind me of the Bay Area, in a different time zone? I can distinguish between what is North American and what is distinctly Maine, Massachussetts or Vermont. 

...I may have to wait to board a plane for now, but there are plenty of wonders congregating inside my mind, and I can't wait to see what new psychological states my journeys will unearth. 

Post-pandemic Travels

I recently realised that the Australian government only permits me to spend 17 weeks per year outside the country. That’s if I want to stay on my pension, which I do. 

I had been planning to spend a year living like a local someplace like Granada, Spain, but I can see that 3-4 months will have to do. The condensed time period may mean that I can live like a local in higher income countries, like Finland. 

In the past decade that I have been exploring Europe, I took many inter-continental flights. In 2018 alone I flew seven times once there. In 2021, with the increasing awareness of how much our carbon emissions are contributing to Earth’s suffering, I am disinterested in repeating that pattern. 

I will think back to 2016, when I spent all my time in Germany: 2 weeks in Berlin, with a short train journey onwards to a smaller town in East Germany to visit a close one, day trips to two other East German towns by train, and then finally a longer train ride to Frankfurt, my departure point. 

I felt a strong connection to Germany because I was seeing off-the-beaten-path destinations with the help of someone I cared about. I had more time to walk the streets, connect one block and suburb to the next, come up with theories about why Germans thrusted themselves forwards under the name of walking, muse on multiculturalism, speculate about GLBTIQ inclusion, and so on. More time meant more connection. 

With this in mind I’m eager to immerse myself in a new place (or even an old place ;) ), and learn something new.

Challenging some black and white thinking

This month I applied to do a Bachelor of Arts at the University of Sydney, received the offer, and accepted it. Less than a week after gearing myself up to take on a new challenge, I realised that, deep down, I didn't want to do it. This same cycle of action has gone on at least four times. Today I'm thinking of exploring some of my black and white thinking about what it means to be at university, and how I can be more secure in my autodidact mode. 

Some thoughts I have that aren't serving me:

• I don’t want to give up my history of proud nonconformity
• A refusal to participate could hold me back from achieving my goals for self-improvement

And, let's take a look at the facts: 

I could, if I chose to, study Spanish or another language all on my own, using online or other free resources. I could also get a tutor if I decide it's worth it. (That tutor could be once a month, or twice a week. (It doesn't have to be overwhelming or very expensive.)) I could set myself goals, such as achieve 10/10 on the A1 exam by six months' time. Then take the A2 exam in another six months, and so on, until I reach C2. 

The above 'plan' shows that I have options to achieve the same goal (Fluent in Spanish, up to C2 level) on my own. So why the hysteria about joining academia?

I guess I believe that I will be more respected and taken seriously if I go through an undergraduate journey. But that shows me that I need to work on respecting *myself* and taking *myself* more seriously. Completing a Bachelor of Arts has no moral value. It is an option, and for many ongoing reasons, is proving not the be the best option for me. 

The role of experts

I consume a lot of media, everything from The Guardian to professional academic publications, to blogs and articles. They are almost always written by people who have gone through the university system. I feel left out. There is some resonance to my thought that 'bright and upwardly mobile people are expected to attend university'. 

These thoughts are there despite my parents having completely accepted that I won't be following the tertiary path. "You are educated already," they say. "If you want to take on a bit of work [as congruent with your abilities], talk to a career adviser." And it's true that I could just start submitting articles to publications.

But the other part of me is completely withdrawn from Australian society, and regards participation with suspicion. "Why would you want to take part in a society that systematically excludes and stifles you?" It feels like too big an assumption to make that the things that are most meaningful to me will be meaningful to others.

But could I try? I could try to position myself as an expert, and find solid backing. I know how to present myself in a clear and convincing way. When I do make an effort to participate, people often get behind me. I move them. 

I can find reasons against participating - it's easy. But actually showing up for a worthy cause might just be worth the discomfort and ego sacrifice. Perhaps I can find a way to contribute in my own, meaningful way.  

Names, Cultures and Affinities

Late last evening, I had reason to look up the ethnic background of the host of SBS News, Ricardo Goncalves. I got more than I bargained for when I found an article he had written on the subject of reclaiming his Portuguese name, Ricardo, after many formative years of being referred to as Richard by his teachers and community. 

The article brought foremost to my mind the debate I've been having silently in my head for a while now - whether to change my name legally back to Maria, or keep going with Epiphanie. 

When I was presenting as Maria, inbuilt into the architecture of my name was the assumption, shared and recreated between my Slavic self and my Anglo-Saxon counterpart, that I did not quite share the same paradigm. 'Epiphanie' helped break down some of the walls people had built - or at least disoriented them long enough for me to assert belonging along with them. 

But this has also led to a sort of identity loss for me. Nothing is black and white, and what I gained in terms of opportunity and access to different kinds of Australians, I lost in terms of strengthening my cultural identity. 

I come from an old and proud culture, and its foundations give me strength, and a kind of multiplicity of belongings and semi-belongings that is unique to my immigrant experience. Yes, my history is sometimes a site of pain. There is often disrespect levelled by Anglo-Saxon Australia towards people from developing countries. But even as Maria, I would represent myself as novel, open, fresh. There is no reason to think changing my name back would have significant negative consequences.

But changing my name would allow other Bulgarians, Eastern Europeans, and immigrants, to find me. I crave the community of people with similar experiences, and my current name does not invite such conviviality. 

Faced with two good options, there is no right answer. Just a lot of questions. 

Will I change my name back to Maria?