Distinctly neon pink

I am wearing a shirt from the Australian company Sportsgirl, and it is a shade of pink I haven’t made peace with. I feel somewhat self-loathing as I notice it on my body. I think the colours we wear have no inherent meaning, just that which we assign to them, based on our personal, social, economic and historical contexts. 

I enjoy most shades of pink. Some look better on me than others. Others have, for some time, reminded me of negative qualities I associate with women, such as people-pleasing, being apologetic and smiling a lot (all qualities I possess in some way). Maybe I should make peace with those qualities, because they are a part of me. Even bell hooks (or Bell Hooks) wore pink in the later stages of her life, presumably because she liked the feeling she got from it. That was something she changed her mind about, going from fear of reinforcing stereotypes to embracing her personal preferences. She remains a role model. 

Traditionally feminine traits also include loving and empathising. They include reflection and gentleness. Emotional depth and thoughtful communication. Sensitivity and kindness. 

I am no less a feminist for wearing neon pink. I am tired of trying to be superhuman and transcend the patriarchy. I can resist the patriarchy in many ways, but there are some battles I can’t pursue. I have the limitations of a person socialised as, and perceived as, a cis woman, meaning that I need to practice self-care, and that means rest, comfort and relaxation in their own right. The luxury to just “be” without the friction of questioning gender norms endlessly.

It’s chilly in Hannover today, so no-one has seen my bright pink shirt. But I see it, and the part of me that likes it will keep wearing it - and continue reaching out to the part of me that struggles with it.