Being inspired by Roxane Gay

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The Danger Zone

I have but disentangled myself

From the compulsion to embark

Upon a lifestyle change. I didn't know

Where to turn, and I still don't know the way

But at least with guidance I have

Solved the problem of

What not to do

Options explored, convictions eroded
A fitting mindbend for a tortured spirit

Can I do it?

How do I move to Spain?
A woman of my level of independent thinking might conclude that becoming an author is the most satisfying way to make money, if she weren't itching for a quick fix such as only English teaching can provide.
Neither option is certain. There is no guarantee even a critically successful book will translate into the kind of sales figures needed to become financially independent. Nor is it unlikely that I'll find teaching difficult students too stressful. I have more questions than answers.
What I do know is that I can't ask anyone else to help me. I need to do this on my own.
I've always considered myself brave when it comes to taking on a new culture, but I'm scared at this juncture. Having to make friends all over again will not be easy. I feel anxious and out of control in a lot of areas of life as it is. The certainty of having to spend a lot of time alone, and the further pressure of dealing with "real life stuff" such as bills is disconcerting.
Can I do it?

The many hues of contradiction

With more options, choice becomes more difficult. When I started learning German, a world of interesting opportunities opened itself up: I could, if I persisted, live in Zurich, Vienna or Berlin! But I already had some knowledge of French (who could say no to Lyon?) and even more of Spanish (Barcelona is perhaps the most exciting possibility, though the bilingualism poses further challenges), so, in the end, how am I to decide?

When I started learning German, my main motivation was to learn my partner's language. I am now newly single, and as tempting as it is to leave my German aspirations behind, I have to admit that I can see myself working with my present connections to the country and deepening them over time, if I so chose. German is the most difficult European language I have tried to learn, but it has its fair share of fun. I am kind of intrigued by the country, and would like to visit again. There are so many layers of contradictions within the interactions between ethnic Germans and 'New' Germans alone... there are more positive stories about multiculturalism here than in many other spots of the continent.

As an immigrant, I need to consider how welcoming my potential host nation will be, and out of the three nations listed, Germany is clearly in the lead. Pity, then, that I find Spanish and French easier and more palatable languages. But perhaps I ought to eschew aesthetics in favour of the most practical option?

Choosing between Spain and France/Belgium poses its own difficulties. Spain has the easier language; France is more progressive. Catalan would bring more headaches; the fervour with which French is demanded leaves something to be desired. Yet both populaces feel more easily accessible than the Germans, so famous for being unexpressive in comparison.

I am now reminded of my friend Willa, who would advise me to spend time living in each location (at least three months in one place) before making my choice. All very well, but I can't afford to do so at present. Maybe I should learn all three, just to be safe? It feels like betrayal to let any of them go. I've developed attachments to each one.

*

If I move on from questions of 'Where?' I am left with a further question: 'What occupation?'
Language and writing continues to emerge the natural default point. I wonder if I ought not distinguish myself from the other Europeans by taking up Japanese, but my motivation for Nihongo isn't as high as the desire to take up Swedish. But that's assuming that I can become fluent in at least one new language, something that would surely involve long hours of immersion and careful attention to detail.

So I guess I'm looking at translating and interpreting. Or maybe just writing articles in my new language.

Considering all the work I have to do, I think I'd better stop writing this blog post and commence some of that learning!

Adios.

Noticing, just noticing

I can't help but notice how much it suddenly matters to the people in my family that I meet some nice guy, get married and have kids. I am not chasing any of these popular life goals, seeing as I mainly date women, feel marriage is irrelevant at best and destructively heteronormative at worst, and having kids is nightmarish.
I am at the intersections of many minorities - homoflexible, anti-marriage, childfree. Many same-sex attracted women choose to have kids, and we are *this close* to having marriage rights. I am unusual enough to note this unusualness. However, when left alone to enjoy my intuitive logic, I don't feel at odds with society, but rather, that I've picked and chosen the best of the options my current life has to offer. I am surfing the choicest wave. All of the arguments for living a heterosexual lifestyle do not resonate, and I sincerely hope I will never reach the point where I am insecure enough to want to tune in to the hysteria that is compulsory heterosexuality. I've written several times about why the childfree life is the best life for me, and I feel like so much has been written about marriage (same-sex or otherwise) that I'm loath to spill more metaphorical ink on this subject.
I sometimes feel pressure from women who identify as exclusively lesbian to be more like them also, which leads me to believe that everyone is insecure about their life journey and wants to justify themselves repeatedly.
Why can't we all just get on with it?
My parents think my life will be better if I do exactly what they did, and conform. They are not able to understand why I've found something much more interesting and wonderful. This is no fault of my own. I just wish they *did* make the effort to relate, because it can get lonely out here on my cutting edge platform.

Change is allowed (poem)

Silently I go over lyrics that resonate
Imprinting their charming patterns
In my mind. When my dominant
Sense of censorship goes to sleep
In full bloom, wonderment seeps
Out from the rigid outlines of what has been
Inventing new spaces to thrive in, to need

Alas, the soundscape alters
I'm exposed to a harsher culture
You've journeyed with a fragile mindset
This is the curse
Of being so open to influence
Yet this poet cannot do without
The range between the whispers and the shouts
And all the heaven and hell
Must be duly felt
Must be fully experienced
- Change is allowed

In between

Vibrations of machinery

Proof of the toil

Of modern-day people

Earning their living in the world

It seeps in through my window

Threatening to move over the sound

Caused by the inhabitants

Of these four walls

I don't know whether that

Would be a good thing or a bad

I'm forever seeking comfort

In a duo of hostile hums

Yet when I expect discord

Affinity somehow awakens