Against the trend: How to navigate dating sites as a woman

Like so many others, I decided OKCupid was the site I would focus on. It was free, it was global, and it was known for an abundance of left-leaning users. I also liked that it didn't place your star sign prominently, like RSVP did. I created what I thought was a playful and provocative profile, and released it into the online realm. 

I received much interest from a wide variety of people. There was just one problem: none of them were what I was looking for. I rationalised that finding the right person takes time, adjusted my profile to make it as unique as possible. Over time I added and removed various highly personal details, or made specific requirements for any people that would contact me. After sharing that I was looking for a feminist, in particular, the interested users became few and far in between. 

What more could I possibly do to find the right partner? I mused. For a while I decided to focus on other things, hoping that "love will find you the minute you're not looking for it." 

Eventually I came back to OKCupid and considered this: Instead of waiting around for people to find me, I could act atypically for an (Australian and global) female and search out partners myself. I had read that Swedish women do the approaching in bars, and if my more empowered sisters were taking the first step, why couldn't I?

The site has an advanced search function which allows you to search by gender, location, compatibility and other variables, and I experimented with a lot of them. At first, nothing too promising happened. I wrote to a bunch of people - mostly women, but also a couple of men - who didn't write me back, but already I felt like the future was in my hands. My options had increased exponentially, and I was no longer reading profiles that lacked lustre. Being proactive and searching for the right person was opening me up to new and exciting options. Even though I hadn't found anyone I clicked with yet, I knew there was no going back. 

And then, one day - voila - she appeared! I'm now in a long-distance relationship. We have plans to meet IRL next year, when I can travel to the northern hemisphere again, and I can't wait! :)

If I had 'sat there and looked pretty' I never would have met her, so think about it: Life is short; go after what you want instead of waiting for it to come to you. Happy searching! 

Things I'm grateful for this September afternoon

It continues to be brought to my attention that being grateful is a great way to replace negative emotions, so here's my 3rd gratefulness post:

- I'm grateful for the special woman in my life
- I'm grateful for the return of a long-lost friend
- I'm grateful for Skype, Twitter and Facebook, which allow me to communicate with both of them
- I'm grateful for the free tickets I was given to a play with feminist themes
- I'm grateful that my work as administrator for The Sydney Feminists' Facebook group has made a difference
- I'm grateful for the care my mother and father give me
- I'm grateful I have the opportunity to study at university, and the ingenuity to know when there's a better alternative
- I'm grateful for radiators on cold days
- I'm grateful for my psychologist, who is helping me rewire my brain to optimise my experience
- I'm grateful for my openness to experience, which colours everything I do
- I'm grateful I travelled to many places in Europe this year, learning more about each culture, and seeing some places for the first time
- I'm grateful for JB Hi-Fi's low cost CDs, where I found the Sugababes for $5, for example.
- I'm grateful that I don't have to give up the taste of coffee, what with all the decafs out there
- I'm grateful for DuoLingo, with which I am learning Spanish

What are you grateful for?

More vegetables, less meat?

If you're a meat eater who feels compassion for animals but doesn't quite want to give up eating meat, have you considered simply eating more vegetable-based dishes as opposed to meat-based ones?

I'm personally not strict about reserving meat for the weekends - I just try to consciously work vegetable-based dishes into the highlight of the day. I've learnt that my favourite Thai noodle dish tastes almost the same with veggies, and I can breathe easier knowing that one less poor animal might be killed for my culinary pleasure. We are conditioned to place meat in a starring role of our diets - we even have the saying 'getting to the meat of the problem/issue' - but I was was surprised at how little I missed having it in almost every dish, day after day. I'm probably not going to become a full-time vegetarian anytime soon, but it's good to be able to find a compromise with such far-reaching, beneficial effects.

On sexist compliments and dangerous ideas

Before I had even entered Australia, the customs official put me in my place with one single word - "Babe." That was his address, as he sought my attention. Having had no sleep for two nights, I was unsuccessfully trying to use the machines at customs to get my documents approved. Here he was, trying to help me - but in the process he was asserting his right to treat me as a sexual object first and foremost. It was my defining characteristic to him. What a welcome.

Things got better. On Saturday I attended a speech by Murong Xuecun, a prominent critic of Chinese censorship who has managed to evade arrest due to his abstaining from directly inciting people to get politically active. Nevertheless, his social media account has been shut down a lot. He keeps "reincarnating" online, as he calls it. He taught us how the entry of more English words into the mainstream Chinese vernacular had produced "democrazy" (the Chinese Communist Party promotes the idea that its governance is actually democratic) and "shitizen" (after the sense that things aren't quite alright in the country). More importantly, he brought home the expansive nature of Chinese censorship by identifying examples when it has played out within Australian shores. With its large Chinese immigrant community, Chinese Australians are very much affected by the propaganda of the motherland through the media they consume. The unspoken take-away from Murong's ideas was that we should put pressure on our government to engage with China in a way that doesn't accept its totalitarian policies. 

Obviously there is a vast difference between freedom of speech in China and that in Australia, but there are still things I don't feel comfortable saying in Tony Abbott's Australia. We can't claim to be a full democracy when people are locked up (out of sight, out of mind) in psychiatric institutions for feeling and thinking the socially unacceptable. Our vindication of the notion of insanity marginalises ideas which are extreme outliers - ideas which are often very good, or, at the least, contain very good elements. It's no co-incidence that the average intelligence of a person who is hospitalised is through the roof. We abuse our deepest thinkers, drive them to isolation within the wider communities and then limit their human capacities by necessitating that they take brain-altering drugs. Freedom of speech remains a myth. (Possible exclusions for some areas of Finland.)

Maybe one day I will give a speech of my own at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas on this topic. I can't see things changing dramatically in Australia anytime soon, mainly because the mainstream is suspicious of the revolutionary ideas required to get us there, but you never know. At the very least, I can write a blog post about it. And keep my hope alive. 

Back in BG

Dear reader,
You've been on my mind, but due to the unreliability of the available technology I've been silent. I'm presently in a comfortable apartment somewhere in Sofia, happily enjoying my alone time. After five weeks of travel around Europe, I was more than ready to kick back in Bulgaria. My new and improved mental state leads me to enjoy the country more than I expected, even though there may be the usual irritants. A level of discomfort is expected when the pessimism of your country of origin knows nary a limit, yet I find things to savour. A few nights ago I learnt many new historical details from a (US) Republican in the kind of cultural conversation which you just can't find in Australia. It's a welcome change of pace.
I suspect ranting about my progress with the Spanish language won't interest most of you, so I'll spare you the details of how my week in Madrid inspired me to get serious about it. I may even return to Madrid sometime soon to immerse myself, once I've reached the level of being comfortable with conversations. But! Onward to the next paragraph.
I guess I've been infused with so many cultural formations that my head is still abuzz. I'd forgotten how rewarding travel usually is for me. I'm now busy figuring out my next bout of adventures, even though this current run is not over. (We still have Belgrade and Athens on the agenda, and it's possible we'll stop over in Singapore on the way back.) I had originally been planning a three month stay in Berlin, but then I remembered that my mum and I had already made plans to hire a car and explore the UK & Ireland, which still appeals. So I guess that's next year sorted.
Being in Bulgaria is altering my thinking pattern, by the way. I tend to be more animated, and less modest. This could be a good thing, because I definitely have some work to do to restore my confidence to the level it was a few years ago. I'm not quite showing off, but I'm ditching the depreciatory disclaimers.
I like the theory that life is a series of choices. There is no 'right way' to live it. Things don't fall into place so much as you engineer your own pathway, create your own reality. You are the author of your own story... So what kind of story do you want to make?

Everything's gonna be fine

So here I am in Lisbon, Portugal. Being back in Europe reminds me of my ideals. I'm improvising every day, doing little to no planning for this trip beyond having booked my guesthouses weeks ago. My favourite city so far was Oslo, which had most of the things I loved about Helsinki, but with more vibrancy and immigration. We were greeted with the charming red cottages on the way to the city, and once we were enveloped by our high immigrant quota neighbourhood, the architecture would gleam at us around every corner. I love charming details on old apartment blocks, and I love feminism even more, so catching public transport was one of my favourite things - I got to watch and listen as the women and men of Oslo negotiated with their world. Sometimes you don't need to communicate verbally with someone to pick up on their energy... It was a beautiful experience, and I was reluctant to leave. I wasn't expecting Norway to compete with Sweden in my eyes, but that's what happened. Norway's non-membership of the EU means that Sweden remains my No. 1 choice for the place to move to - and hopefully I can have lots of holidays in its Western neighbour. :)

Lisbon is charmingly run down after the flawless facades of the Nordics, but it's an architecture I've seen replicated in the likes of Macau and Phuket and have grown to love. I am also breathing a sigh of relief over the prices! The friendly faces I have asked for help have been welcoming, but not overtly happy. I wish I were more awake as I write this, but my guesthouse is very noisy and has been keeping me up at night. This is my last full day in Lisbon, and, having explored the Bélem district yesterday, I plan to spend the entire day wandering around charming parts of the city and take in the pastel coloured buildings some more.

Quick sweep of the room (Poem)

Quick sweep of the room --
I've learned to hold your gaze
When it's encountered
Your eyes may rest on my face
I'll not be flustered
There's a chimney from which
Pink smoke is emanating
And if we find the wonder
There will be one less mindset
Ripe for plunder

Quick sweep of the room --
I hear your stories
I've been meaning to tell you
How I mean to disagree
With the gatekeepers
Dare to share the stories
That sustain me
From a bigger platform
Yet the feedback keeps me hanging on
To muted pastures
Can you tell me if it won't be long
Before I get what I am after?