In a nutshell

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I don't need those 15 minutes of fame. My anonymity in a public place is a luxury. I don't want the hate mail that stardom would bring, and while it would be nice to reach some more rare and beautiful souls along the way, I'm making do with my private, peaceful life.

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Poem

I have ambitions, goals and dreams
I take no action
I subsist on others’ texts
Creating none myself

A strong sense of identity
Strongly muted, held back, lost
Engraving poems on the ocean
Watching them float off

Churlish on the inside
But forced to act all smooth
It feels like self-betrayal
Like two faced plenitude

The resources bloom abundant
But the encroaching facade restrains
In the dark and broken quiet
I recollect my name

Meandering whilst in Melbourne

Things I like about myself (V3.0)

1. I am highly creative, whether that comes out through singing, writing, photography, drawing, in conversation, fashion, everyday 'choreography' or through other ways.

2. I am highly intelligent. I also cultivate a mindset that values high intelligence in myself and others.

3. I am a nonconformist in many ways.

4. I have prioritised travel in my life whenever possible.

5. I am good with money. (e.g. I'm good at staying within budgetary restraints.)

6. I have hopes and dreams for the future.

7. I have continued on my unique and self-curated educational journey, which has seen me experience two top universities, and ultimately move beyond them, so that I can learn in ways better suited to my nonconformist outlook. I value learning, education, curiosity and asking questions.

8. I have learned (broken) Spanish through disciplined study of the online DuoLingo course.

9. I have also spent time studying other languages: French, German and Swedish.

10. I am an avid reader. This year I've read 25 books.

11. I have overcome misogynistic violence to empower myself through feminism. My feminism involves in-depth reading, as well as volunteering in the community.

12. I value volunteering and enjoy helping other people.

13. I am politically engaged.

14. I practice self-compassion, mindfulness and I sometimes meditate.

15. I value friendship.

16. I seek inspiration from other writers and creative people. (e.g. I listen to podcasts, attend film festivals, speeches and other events.)

17. I have been blogging for about 13 years. Writing regularly is a good way to hone my talents.

18. I am doing my best to enjoy the aspects of my family life that can be enjoyed, while seeking intellectual and spiritual satisfaction elsewhere.

19. I am openminded.

20. I seek not to hurt other people.

On with the show

The tremour in me lost its way

It’s been a while since it came this way

I’m attuning myself more to me

Away from a distracting everybody

My head hangs heavy

I disrupt myself at will

Tingling from imagined touches

Basking in goodwill

Not long ago I listened

To a couple of disgruntled authors

Carrying the weight

Of dreams undivulged, of laughter

Unindulged and processes abandoned

It was all too much

I shivered as I summoned expectations

Simulations of ambitions dashed

When I know that, looking back, I’ll gather

That I wouldn’t want to be 

Anybody 

Else

Writing Itself & Identity Formation

I haven't been writing very much at all recently. I'm starting the process of volunteering with a feminist organisation, which makes me want to pay attention to what is going on with me, and the world, with renewed focus.

In addition to the volunteering I am listening to two separate podcasts by feminist psychotherapists - Kimberly B. George and Kara Loewentheil. I am yearning for a deeper comfort with my bisexual identity, and it occurs to me as I write this that I don't listen to any queer women that I can think of. An oversight?

In any case, 'Unfuck your brain' by Kara has been a balm for the soul. There are many different aspects to Kara - she is not easily defined. She herself is not looking for external 'personality types' to inform her thoughts, which means that she is free to transform daily, hourly, by the minute. Thoughts are just thoughts, and thoughts change. If you cling onto an identity as 'an introvert', or 'an Aries sun with Libra moon' throughout the years, you will be less likely to reconcile supposedly contradictory information about yourself into your self-concept. 

I am now interested in the concept of passion. As a person who diligently cultivated a performance of intensity, congruent with the Scorpio designation, I'm still gathering new identity formation when it comes to connecting with passion and sharing it with others. What does it mean to be deeply engaged? Hanging onto every word? 

What does it mean to be a philosophical feminist at a time when nothing can be about feminism but everything must be? I'm finding out how to hold my head up higher and more often while I inspect the damage of the legacy of 45, ScoMo et al - anyone who does the work of patriarchy on steroids is in urgent need of disregard. 

The Conflicted Feminist

Feminism in Australia isn’t what it used to be. Ever since 45 ascended there has been an acceleration of aggressive social control exercised by men over the women of this nation. I cling to whatever scraps of empowerment I can find, and in this post I’ll consider my relationship with Ariana Grande’s song, ‘Needy’.

It is simultaneously an assertion of self and a self-defeating narrative. Ariana lets herself assume the position of being ‘way too damn needy’, but self-critically so. Maybe the problem isn’t that she “loves too much” but that the men in her life can’t deal with her depth of feeling and gaslight her into thinking she’s the one at fault.

Maybe ‘thinking [I’m] not enough’ is a symptom of patriarchy minimising her efforts to self-actualise to the utmost - not so much a personal failing as one that is shared by most women.

I only criticise because I deem this music good to listen to.

My search for feminist role models feels like it’s not greatly successful, and I worry that I am becoming less resistant to the dominant ideology in the USA. I’m surrounded by right-wingers, it feels like. And yet my very knowledge of this shows that I’m still swimming against the tide, perhaps even ferociously.