The last piece of the puzzle

You could say that I've done a lot of research on childfree women. In addition to the articles and books I read on the subject, I joined various groups on social media. There's a spectrum of attitudes women cultivate towards kids, that they often iterate when amongst themselves. The polar extremes are 'I love kids and am close with a few, but when it comes to personally rearing them, I've decided to opt out' to 'I hate kids and their loud, messy failure to be well-behaved adults'. The latter category sometimes shamed mothers, particularly mothers who had more than two kids. 

It was fairly easy to decide I was happy childfree. The hard work I had to do was treat mothers with the same respect I reserve for my tribe (of childfree women). Seeing women who chose differently than me as equal to me, and worthy of sympathy, compassion and non-judgement. My reasoning is like this: if I'm deeply content with myself, then I can be deeply content with another person who isn't harming anybody, and is acting in her personal best interests. 

I've removed the animosity factor. We are all working towards the same hopes and dreams: living a good life. Let mothers enjoy their life path, since that is what they wanted. People don't have to be a carbon copy of me. 

Speaking of animosity, I'm finding myself opting out of the outrage parade where US politics is involved. A slightly different issue, but it's tiring to hurl insults at the so-called enemy. We're all in the global community together, and I don't want to hate anybody. Socially sanctioned hatred is overrated. Building trust across the global community, reminding us that we have common interests at heart, inspiring us to gravitate towards peace and co-operation? That's hard. In fact, I don't remember the last time I heard the word co-operation in The Guardian or BBC or any of the media I consume. It took me a while to locate it in my inner word-scape. 

Maybe I've mellowed in my old age. I do turn 37 in a few months. Whatever the inspiration, I feel more wholesome. 

Rekindling appreciation

For a long time, Haruki Murakami books were my main in-depth connection to Japan. I had started to feel that my feminism was pushing me away from this country. But recently I feel hopeful again that I can find inspiration within its borders. I started reading women authors - most notably Sayaka Murata - and started watching NHK World. It's comforting to recognise aspects of the culture whose language I studied for four years, particularly as the soothing tones of the syllables float into my ears. 

Now is a time for rediscovery. Making peace with the past. Finding the inner glow that has stayed with me through my various incarnations. Having a sturdy sense of reality - or letting nebulously connected fragments of reality dance around, seeking new relationships to each other. 

Now is a time to be alone. Companionably, I share a living room with my parents for a part of the day. When they clear out, I touch base with my feelings and find a strategy that will keep me happily engaged in the late hours. Sometimes I chat with friends online. Sometimes I enjoy being alone. Because we always return to the alone state - it is a constant. 

... Observe the dance of particles that is the body, whether in stillness or movement. 

Post-astrology

 It’s unclear to me how to consciously direct my personality’s development. Would I do well to study different personality types to the one I emulated, attempt to compensate for decades of conformity to an (arche)type by an artificial rebalance? Or am I just better off randomly discovering lost avenues of the soul?

Maybe I should start a support group for those that have been harmed/limited by astrology.

Casting off my constructed shell of a personality is freeing - and terrifying. My existential identity crisis persists all these years. Perhaps active world sculpting is crucial to restoring social know-how. I got a taste of that in the coaching group I joined in March/April. 

An important discovery made thereabouts was that you have to know what your thoughts are in order to change them. Get in tune with those mental grooves, know their specifics. 

At times I’m tempted to muse on astrological knowledge I previously found comfort in, and it can be disappointing to withhold that space from myself. I find myself floating in space, no patterns (or constellations) to latch onto. I think about the many feminists I know who look to astrology for meaning. I think about whether I could date anyone who has a more-than-casual belief in astrology. Probably not, just like I couldn’t envision myself dating a Christian. 

At the same time, there’s a lot to be said for tolerance and open mindedness. Maybe my next partner will have a deep seated belief in aliens, or the absolute centrality of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, or something kooky I will have to humour. 

But who really knows what will emerge - all I can do is stay open to the endless possibilities in the universe.

"I could be you,"

I mutter as I pass the moon-faced teenager, cocking her head at the world while slightly aloof. No doubt she's built up a library of interesting experiences, and adds to them every day, as she traverses the sidewalk or steps into an alternate spatial realm.

I found the world bland and lacking sensuality, as a teen. Today, I'm just thankful to get by unscathed.

But that girl in the white jumper is right: what matters most is not how you can cajole people to regard you highly through status signals, but how you feel about your everyday moments. Can you keep mentally enriched even as you reach for your bus card, wave it over the electronic equipment, and step out of the robust rectangular prism, only to be fleetingly surrounded by its smoke for the short period of time it takes for it to pass you by?

Alive to experience: mindful of a pain that goes as deep as your pleasure.

Stream of Consciousness #4

I enjoy myself as best I can. My subconscious is a happy land.

The leaf-dappled branches pile high. Brushing my face, a contented sigh.

Spring's one step closer - walk into the night.

Never yield to disruptive demands.

I set the pace. I bide my time.

Return to the breath and the goodwill, entwined.

Accept your disinterest. And honour the host.

She is me, I am her - we matter the most.

Señorita. She maintains that name like it's going out of fashion.
I tiptoe around titles. I don't want to vex her.
But if she were me, a long ago version
I'd hold her close and let her be one more 'person'
Mx is unhappy that she's in that culture war
But he'll take the option that dares to be more

Reality shifting, lowering nooses
Deep down they know the pain has its uses
Hoping they'll move past the pain at some point
Switching back to momentum of preferable sorts

Scarcity Thinking or Realism?

I've been around groups of single women long enough to be familiar with the following complaint: There aren't enough quality men out there for all the quality women who are looking for quality men.

Kara Loewentheil is aware of it too, and uses it as an example of how not to approach dating. According to Kara, this is scarcity thinking, and will impact you negatively, as you make the dating experience a drag. And then, when you do get into a relationship, you would be so afraid of not losing that relationship (cause, where are you going to find another?), that you're willing to tolerate behaviour that doesn't correspond to how you think you deserve to be treated. 

In a sense, I can see how abundance thinking would give you an advantage in dating. It might motivate you to search for matches more often. Having an optimistic, or even just curious and experimental approach to dating, sends far more attractive vibes than believing your efforts are doomed to failure. But is it not possible to believe that there is an unbalance in the dating scene, yet still remain open-minded about finding a partner?

Because the statistics seem to bear the "scarcity thinking" out. From one angle at least: more women than men attend university. Those women then go on to pursue a man who has a similar level of education. The theory goes, not all of them will be successful. From a point of view slightly more relevant to me (as a homoflexible, polyamorous autodidact), there seem to be more women who are feminists than men who are feminists/allies. These opposite-sex attracted women then have two choices: remain single, or settle for second best. 

A realist might say that, sure there are few desirable matches out there, but there's no reason I can't be in the game. I am worthy of a relationship with someone who seeks a certain level of mutuality. I've been in a relationship before, and it's possible I will find myself in one again. Not to mention, I will be fine with or without a relationship, because it's proven that a relationship doesn't make you any happier in the long term. 

For me personally, being conflict-averse means that I often suffer in silence in a relationship. Unless I change my firm habits of concealing my feelings and thoughts if I think they will not be met with approval (sounds like the sort of thing requiring years of therapy!), being in a relationship may actually make me feel worse. 

But the cool thing is that I can be happy with my single state. It's a special talent I have, to appreciate my inner world and the gifts I am giving to myself all the time. To be content with being alive is something I can always come back to. I believe I am living in abundance.

Curiosity holds the space (Poem)

Looked down, looked away
But curiosity holds the space
What was forgotten, neglected
Now asks to be re-respected

Shooting sparks
I host their glee
Floating past
Like reveries
I'm in control
And when I stop
I'll keep awake
And stay on top