Monday 27 November 2017

Emotional intelligence trumps detached intellectualising every time

A few weeks ago I unfriended an acquaintance who was bugging me on Facebook. Superficially, she shared the same values - she was feminist, antiracist, left-wing and stood up for disability rights. But I had come to feel that I was being constantly negated in tone, through her patronising 'information dissemination' my way. I decided I had had enough, explained that I needed sensitivity, not facts, and got the unsurprisingly tone-deaf response which led to the unfriending.
Miss K was trying to connect through detached intellectualising, which had the emotional resonance of unending 'improvements' on my status updates. I have a flow. I like it when people work with the emotions that inform my flow, creating a harmonious social exchange. I work on the friendships which make me feel good, which has served me well in the past and continues to do so today. Miss K's comments were making me lightly doubt myself, instead of steadying myself through the social act of sharing statuses. In the end, the continued obliviousness to my emotional needs reached the point where I wasn't willing to put up with it any longer. And that is sad. Sad, because this person was very intelligent and helped me strengthen some of my points as an ally. As with everyone, there was good as well as bad. I did not give up on our communication without some regret. But, looking back, I'm confident I made the right decision.

I've been thinking about the social cohesion that ideologies such as religion foster. There was a Guardian article about how much more existentially at rest were people who subscribed to the dominant Christian spirituality of their time, be it in medieval times, or even now. As an atheist, I swim against the unconscious tide. I resist Christmas celebrations, sure, but more than that, I resist shame over my sexual drive. I resist theologically based misogyny. I resist the US-driven sense of righteousness which filters down into Australian culture. Why be 'good' when you can be 'fabulous'?

And all this resistance leads to constant questioning, which leads to doubting aspects of my deeply ingrained psyche, which leads to difficult emotional states. No, I'm not saying I wish I were like everyone else, but rather, it would be easier if my society were a more supportive one. Like Sweden, where atheism *is* the norm. *Sigh* If only.