Control #2

Control

I have it and I don't

I'm a cis white person in a developed country

I'm a queer disabled woman who is poor

I hurt so much that it turns corrosive

I smart silently and dream of empowerment

It takes so much out of me just to act composed

My emotions twisted by perpetual deferment

Wondering why it feels so futile

Wondering who I can turn to and if I am able

To be the reliable narrator in all situations

Knowing I will never meet perfection

*

I'm the only thing I own

I polish myself off for the occasion

I can walk for miles

With my underlying depression

But who will discover me?

Quietly shedding my defences

A mirror shows me marks of pride

I discover myself, attentive by my side

The Best of 2017 (w/ Photos)

In Rome, I learned that Italians traditionally eat sweet things only for breakfast. 

In Palermo, I feasted on cassata and cannoli. 

In Barcelona, I witnessed a mini concert by a locally famous pianist in a marvellously adorned musical centre. 

In Valencia, I felt like I was part of a photo shoot amongst futuristic architecture by Calatrava. 

In Murcia, I had my first relaxed and pleasurable conversation in Spanish.

In Granada, I found myself in a vision of peace, beauty and harmony, in the Alhambra. 

In Orgiva, I spoke with a Spaniard who had been living in Myanmar for twenty years and reminded me to tune into the breath. 

In Malaga, I rejoiced in the big city vibe and got winked at by a cute guy selling ice cream. 

In Seville, I sustained a long conversation in Spanish with a friendly taxi driver. 

(In Zurich's airport, I listened to a singing pianist perform classics such as 'Georgia on My Mind.')

(In Singapore's airport, I enjoyed a green tea macaron.)

Where will I go in 2018? That remains to be seen. 

(Some possibilities:

- A return to the Nordic countries, especially Sweden

- Visiting Edinburgh and Dublin for the first time

- Travelling around France's outer rim: Bordeaux, Lille, Strasbourg)

Resilience in the face of danger

Today I read some bad news that stood out from the rest: Stephen Hawking predicts humanity can only survive on planet Earth for another 100 years. 

I admit I've been slow to be vocal about the importance of combating climate change (though that is not the only factor he takes into account). A few months ago I was walking down a thoroughfare in Newtown, making my fear of the end of the world known to a new acquaintance. I was hesitant to do so, as I intuitively felt it would be read as irrational, and her reception indeed pointed to such a perception. But I can't be silenced by people who would use my mental health status against me. Please click on authoritative articles on climate change when you see them. The only way humanity can leave a legacy on Earth is through the population waking up to the extent of the challenges we face. 

I'm likely to be dead in 100 years' time. But as I delve into literary classics like Faust by Goethe, I see much there to treasure, and many of the cultures we have cultivated over time would be worth building on by future generations - if only we can keep humanity afloat. 

I am not in immediate danger. I spend a lot more time worrying about how to move to Europe than when a storm mighty enough to tear my building apart will eventuate. But I still worry about it. Such destruction has precedence in Sydney. The structures that hold me, the world which contains me, is under threat, and I watch in horror as my mum denies climate change and my dad believes technology will triumph over nature. I don't want to be alarmist, but from what I see, those of us who are 'woke' are too few to enact the changes needed to avert catastrophe. This planet is so beautiful, there is so much for humanity to live for, yet we're mindlessly tearing it all apart. 

Faust was a gift to long-form poetry. I want people to revel in it long after I'm gone. And yet. It seems we're in the last chapter of history as we know it. Will we migrate to Mars? Who knows. In my life I've often carried around a sense of tragedy, and now I find myself swept up in a brand new one which is shared by the smartest people on earth. 

How to make sense of this? Should I start writing reviews on Amazon.com sooner rather than later? When it comes to geographic ties, I am lucky. Living in a developed nation means that I won't feel the worst of the effects of such phenomena as food scarcity. Oh, I'm sick of thinking about such dire things. I wish I didn't have to. But I can't close my eyes to the direction the evidence evokes. 

Self-care, self-care, self-care. Focus on the now, abilities in the now, get good sleep, eat well. It's not over till it's over.  

Poetry composed while listening to Bjork

Split into two / or more / lost track but who's counting / of how many times I conjure up fragmentation

Sinister overtones to the governing class
Urge to flee reactivated
Wouldn't you know it
No amount of drugs can obliterate my fighting instinct

I have radical self-respect
No matter the people
Who try to frame me
As the problem

Playing hopscotch to invisible marks
The colour is inspired by various facades
Embedding themselves in my backbone
I walk as if animated by colour

Flowers swelling from my hair
You're not permitted to enter there
Perhaps you have a point or three
But my tone needs no explanation

Beautiful & Meaningful

We're searching for some type of hope

To linger ever after

Building shadows out of smoke

In the shape of vice we've most resembled

You do well to cut me off

My spot of shade is too defined now

I'll look for deeper selves to salvage

Access the wreck that gives way to splendour

Deeper and deeper

Only pausing to consolidate

The shades of sadness thicken

Further happy paths are given

You will note my pressing calm

The chill I wield like armour

I will make it through this storm 

A new experience, I'll harbour

A struggle for meaning

It must have been the fourth or fifth time: I enthusiastically sought a place at a university, only to remember how little of institutional life actually agrees with me upon receiving an offer. 'Why did I want to study a language for a hefty price when I can continue doing so on my own, for free? The only thing I lack is more motivation.' 'Yes, I could study French in addition to my beloved español, but that would do nothing to diminish my surging sense that I should have been learning Swedish (which isn't offered) all along.' 'Even if I focus overwhelmingly on Spanish, I still have to suffer the ideologically right-wing flavour of the general Arts elective selection.' 'Tell me why did I sign up just to drop out before the term starts again?' 

And so it goes. I'm disappointed in myself. I bought into the idea that a degree would increase my sense of self-worth on a superficial level, neglecting the inconvenient deeper understanding that my eccentric philosophies do not mesh well with USyd or UNSW. (I've studied at both in the past.)

Maybe I'm throwing myself at the wrong things. It's easy to underestimate Duolingo. In reality, the free website and app have been crucial to my current successes. I can actually hold an uncomplicated conversation with Spaniards now. My experiences with speaking Spanish to native speakers are not too dissimilar to this journalist's German-speaking journey. Oh, the thrill -- not just of understanding my taxi driver, but -- of being understood. I wish I could have stayed longer - I only started talking to strangers in my last week or so. Nothing could have prepared me for the natural high of constructing sentences in my new language. It was a part of me that had been waiting to emerge, but needed the right moment. I want to practice again, so I'll see if I can go to Argentina, Chile or Spain soon.

This is actually the thing I'm currently most enthusiastic about right now: travel, language acquisition and use, and possible fluency. I thought I'd best focus on that, since this post had its roots in depressive musings about all the free time I have and how I could be applying myself a lot more.

So then, my challenge is to embrace the Spanish-learning journey and let it transform me. Put more effort into it. Such effort will pay off. I can take it to the next level, baby. Step by step, there's no level of proficiency I can't attain. It does require some redirection:

I set myself a challenge for 2018, to learn Swedish, but maybe I should stick with Spanish until I become quite fluent in that. That way I can enjoy a greater, more meaningful sense of progress.