I’m aware that while ‘childfree’ resonates with me, other women my age think of themselves as ‘childless’. There have been reluctant considerations of single motherhood, mollification over perceived dwindling options, and outside Five Eyes Oceania, dismay at the pandemic disrupting dating and medical services (like IVF).
I believe I will navigate life well despite any stigma. I have a proud history of eccentricity to draw upon. My grandmother doesn’t know this. In our last conversation she advised me to “think up what you really, really want in your life - and ask God for it.” Turning to mum, she implored her when I might have some kind of announcement. I assume she means marriage and/or a baby.
Can I muster up enough broken Bulgarian to explain that my first marriage was such a disaster that I have no desire to enter another? Do I situate myself as a part of a generational shift away from marriage? I am careful with my words, but there is no guarantee that my orientation towards women won’t become patently obvious to family members who elect to wonder ‘why’.
Perhaps I should say ‘I like being single’. It may not be the whole truth, but it’s truthful enough.
It continues to interest me that a hypothetical climate change fuelled apocalypse has seen women reconsidering children also. As distressing as it is to think about future generations locked out of the natural stability and abundance once enjoyed, with possibilities for grim realities of war and scarcity emerging, engaging with reality means being aware of it all.
A friend of mine once demonstrated passive sadism in watching the human race exploit its way out of existence, and I can’t help but feel some of the same, sometimes. Then I look at the reality of innocent people suffering, and mostly snap out of it. I want future generations to have peace of mind. I just don’t think it’s very likely to be the case. And that’s another reason why I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet by avoiding pregnancy.
