Monday 29 January 2018

Coherent Narrative

I'm struggling to make meaning out of my life. No, I'm not suicidal. Just very disoriented. I don't have a strong motivation to do anything. I find conviction cultivation ludicrous to maintain.

When you live with soulless and sadistic people, you get used to people taking their issues out on you, and survival takes up all of your mental space.

I'm in despair.

I can't even decide how to spend my money. Do I travel around Australia, thereby saving a lot of money and travelling longer? Or do I continue with one of numerous plans to travel to Europe? Japan? Mexico? Does it really matter if I keep having to come back to the same golden cage?

Grrr.

Monday 22 January 2018

Milestones

I'm happy to announce that I'm almost at the end of my DuoLingo Spanish course!

It's been an on again, off again journey of two and a half years, and it looks like I will only need about a month or so to complete the entire tree! Congratulations are in order...

Soon I will need to make some decisions about where to take my language learning in the future. I know that I want to maintain my knowledge and build on it in both active and passive ways. (Active might be taking on a mew systematic learning journey, while passive might mean reading El PaĆ­s or listening to music and looking up anything I don't know.)

I also know that I've been bitten by the language learning bug, and want to add a new one to my repertoire.

But which? -- Danish? French? German? Dutch? Swedish? Norwegian? Catalan?

From a practical point of view, French or German is probably the best. In fact, I've been thinking of taking up French again with pleasure. For some reason I think of it as a difficult language. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I need a tutor to help me weave an intuitive journey through things already processed on a more cerebral level.

You know what? I've decided to take up French next. I'm capable, and it will be a delightful achievement.

Onwards!

Thursday 11 January 2018

Changes (Poem)

It's a far cry
From the intended aims
It seems I need to
Learn how to deal with
A world rapidly
Spiralling out of control
Accept my complicity
And dedicate my resistance

There's nothing good about this
But there may be suitable alternatives
Swayed by the onslaught of neurotoxins
I ponder my escape

I still believe
The world is a shambles
A dangerous shambles
Pulling itself apart

If you notice my audacity
I'll be around to celebrate yours
I'm in the process of
Retrieving my instincts

World colliding with itself
It needs no foreign enemy
All the potent tools for self-destruction
Are simmering to a boil within

And since there is no god
Only waking up will save us
But the tipping point has not been reached
The code of greed laced with ignorance
Cannot be breached
And I can see how
It would get too late
I can see how
We can't reach the gate
And still it's necessary to detach
My survival hinges on recurring calm
We've many days to go until
It's impossible to deny the harm
But the time is now
For anyone with power
Find the courage to protest
While I endeavour to inspire

Tuesday 2 January 2018

Learning to appreciate classical music (Poem)

Listening to classical music
Once upon a time
It struck me as wordless
At a time when
I needed to constantly
Verbalise my spirit
When I needed to
Make myself heard above
The perpetual rage
Of competing hegemonies

Revisiting symphonies
Once scorned
I found a different angle
Perhaps it was the tilt of the arm
Of the violinist or
The sensitivity and charm
Of the face next to her
Beauty is the intention
I enjoy it while I can
Now that I'm awake
To multiple ways
Of creating meaning







Monday 1 January 2018

A pride of lions

What is pride? Is tapping in to popular notions of socially shared pride a good thing, considering it's so heavily influenced by nationalism? Where does socially sanctioned patriotism end, and the pride that means most to me swell up? I mask my pride deficit somewhat.

My psychologist suggested to me that I could be proud of having left the abusive relationship of 2005 - walking (no, flying) away in high style, selling something which didn't matter (a wedding band) for something that did (bus fare to the next Vietnamese town), and all the processes of letting go I've developed over time. Without the white gold reminder on my finger, there was that much less distance between me and the heady green of the Southeast Asian landscape. One less reminder of the arrogant, entitled American I had temporarily become. I savoured the experiences more. I talked less. So much of what happened after has been so good.

Is it fair to bolster my spirits with music? I'm withdrawing (from one dose of medication to a slightly lower one) now. Deserving of this, I am. I'll try to remember that music intoxicates in healthier ways.

I have a photo of a lion on the shoulder of my armchair. May it remind me to be proud.