Names, Cultures and Affinities

Late last evening, I had reason to look up the ethnic background of the host of SBS News, Ricardo Goncalves. I got more than I bargained for when I found an article he had written on the subject of reclaiming his Portuguese name, Ricardo, after many formative years of being referred to as Richard by his teachers and community. 

The article brought foremost to my mind the debate I've been having silently in my head for a while now - whether to change my name legally back to Maria, or keep going with Epiphanie. 

When I was presenting as Maria, inbuilt into the architecture of my name was the assumption, shared and recreated between my Slavic self and my Anglo-Saxon counterpart, that I did not quite share the same paradigm. 'Epiphanie' helped break down some of the walls people had built - or at least disoriented them long enough for me to assert belonging along with them. 

But this has also led to a sort of identity loss for me. Nothing is black and white, and what I gained in terms of opportunity and access to different kinds of Australians, I lost in terms of strengthening my cultural identity. 

I come from an old and proud culture, and its foundations give me strength, and a kind of multiplicity of belongings and semi-belongings that is unique to my immigrant experience. Yes, my history is sometimes a site of pain. There is often disrespect levelled by Anglo-Saxon Australia towards people from developing countries. But even as Maria, I would represent myself as novel, open, fresh. There is no reason to think changing my name back would have significant negative consequences.

But changing my name would allow other Bulgarians, Eastern Europeans, and immigrants, to find me. I crave the community of people with similar experiences, and my current name does not invite such conviviality. 

Faced with two good options, there is no right answer. Just a lot of questions. 

Will I change my name back to Maria?