Let's call the first one A. He was older than me by 24 years. We met on Facebook and had never met in person, but had gotten into the habit of spending hours talking to each other on audio calls.
A talked over me repeatedly. He clearly thought that what he had to say was more important than what I had to say. After mentioning this mistreatment of me numerous times to little or no effect, I eventually decided that I would not talk to him again. The friendship fell apart shortly after.
The second man, B, was prone to outbursts of bruising criticism. In addition to this, he insulted me by calling a serious concern of mine 'silly', and 'nonsense'. He was older than me by 32 years, and tried to initiate a romantic relationship, which is a giant red flag. He didn't give up after the first time, either.
What did these men have in common? They were charming, artistic and gifted at communication.
This is no longer good enough.
I am best friends with a cis man who identifies as a feminist. He is just one year older than me. He hears me out when I speak. He sees me as an equal, which means he shows my views, and the amount of time it takes to speak them out loud, respect. There is no going back.
It was my best friend consistently giving me space in our conversation that made me realise that this was the standard that needed to be met, from hereon out, in all friendships with cis men. It's a high standard, but it's also equality in practice.
So, again, being a feminist emerges as my #1 requirement for new friends.
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