I wanted to hold back, I really did... if only I could hold back phrasing my distaste in emphatic terms it would be a sign that I had grown out of the need to reject everything about a person once I ejected them from my circle of friends or life partners. But I couldn't help reverting to the kind of accusing and damning retort that had typified my earlier rejection of her, and it was pointless to try to sugarcoat my anger and disdain this late in the game.
*
I'm not a mellow or easy-going kind of person. Unless you are an acquaintance, for whom I have idealistic hope mingled with resigned disapproval, or someone I'm sometimes friendly with on the odd occasion, in which case I have a cultivate a mellow sort of overview of our relationship which prevents me from investing too much in you, I either love or hate you. With a fiery passion. Sometimes both at the same time. In any case, I have strong reactions to people, and am not for the faint-hearted.
*
My dream trip is slowly being simulated with greater detail and intensity in my mind... The conceptual spaces of the cities I'll be passing through still seem too large for the trail I have placed them on... getting from point A to point I makes every and no sense. Not that I want to prioritise sense, my dear postmodern fans. I'm just borrowing this expression because words are presently failing me.
*
I have decided that my next trip (after this one) is likely to be to Asia again... There are very cheap flights to Kuala Lumpur from Melbourne, Brisbane or Perth, and ridiculously low fares to places such as Penang, Taipei, cities in India (Bangalore, Kochi, Trivandrum), Colombo, Bali and Clark (Philippines). There's something about Asia that is beguiling... it may be a beautiful surface that 'face'd-up faces represent, but below the show for appearances lie beautiful, haunting secrets. Eyes waiting to light up in empathy, respect and jubilation. The legendary openness. I put my defensiveness on hold, and eventually aside. I start beaming at whoever will observe me in the act. I feel like I am standing naked in public, but the vulnerability is protected by the respectful distance of the people on the pavement. Now and then I need to run for cover.
*
I have never stayed in Asia longer than two or three months. I wonder what will happen when I do... It's mostly a matter of money and humidity - but when both are approached with moderation and creative thinking, they seem to fall into place as part of a long-term strategy.
*
As long as there are interesting and inspiring people around, I'm happy. ... Maybe I should give Brian a visit in Myanmar... I love that name (Brian).
*
I have 71 unread Tweets. I have recently noted that I consume more information than I can process to my satisfaction. I'm aware that some people's entire careers consist of being on mental (and hence emotional) overload. Amongst the Tweets I investigated yesterday, I found a competition for which the prize was eight free trips to places around the globe - the winner would blog about them for a general audience, and they could bring a friend. I'm currently plotting to resume reading the details of entering... but I am tempted to finish any one of the four books I am reading "urgently" (The Best of Lonely Planet Travel Writing, Planes, Trains & Elephants, Shantaram and The Trial), or tuck into my shiny new Lonely Planet guides.
*
My mother keeps reminding me to get my act together and contact an agent. Is 'when I come back from Europe' procrastination?
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