Monday, June 14, 2010

I Feel Like Rob Thomas...

...when he sings 'and it's good / that I'm not / angry!" The lyrics were belied by a sense of struggle to keep up the facade, and he later admitted that he called his first single off his solo album 'Lonely No More' because he wanted to break out of the image he had created of himself as angry & lonely.

I will admit it - I am angry.

I am angry at the oppression of women, races (all races, through racism and xenophobia) and non-heterosexual-identifying people.

While I have never seriously physically threatened by my identification as bisexual (for convenience), I have been discriminated against - many times.

Then again, if you focus on anger, it intensifies. Rob Thomas knew the benefits of abstaining from it: "I'm not angry / and it's never been enough / It gets inside / and tears you up."

What I want is to stop feeling like I have to control myself so that my sexual orientation is seen as politically expedient. I like to flirt as a way of being nice - it helps smooth my journey, as I see it. It's harmless, it's usually soulless, and it rarely amounts to anything. I guess I should avoid flirting with people with ugly souls. But I am not sexless. I am proud of the subtle but outgoing nature of my sexuality. And many people love me for being me.

In a few weeks' time I will meet someone who knows that I used to be attracted to him. I'm trying to focus on the fact that he sees many positives in me. There is nothing typical about our connection, and like every good friendship, it has had its ups and downs.

One thing I want to do in Scandinavia is investigate how comfortable GLBTI people feel in being themselves. Can you be both comfortable and 'out of the box'? What's different about our Scandinavian sweethearts? I suspect things aren't that different, so it's all about the degree of liberation, intensity of nonconformity.

Of course, I'm afraid of getting burnt. CouchSurfing beckons nevertheless...

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